Grief After Complicated Relationships

What do you do when someone dies and you don't know how to feel? When the person you lost was sometimes kind and sometimes cruel? When you feel relief and sadness at the same time?

Grief after a complicated relationship is confusing, lonely, and often misunderstood. People expect you to be either devastated or fine. But you're somewhere in between—and that's okay.

What Makes a Relationship "Complicated"

You might have had a complicated relationship with someone who:

• Was emotionally or physically abusive
• Struggled with addiction
• Was absent or neglectful
• Hurt you but also loved you
• Was difficult, controlling, or critical
• You had unresolved conflict with

These relationships don't fit into neat categories. They're messy. So is the grief.

The Messy Middle of Grief

When you lose someone you had mixed feelings about, you might feel:

Sadness and relief at the same time You're allowed to grieve the loss and also feel relieved that the relationship—and its pain—is over.

Anger At them for dying before things could be resolved. At yourself for caring. At others for not understanding.

Guilt For not feeling sad enough. For feeling relieved. For wishing things had been different. For all the things left unsaid.

Confusion You don't know what you're supposed to feel. The grief comes in waves that don't make sense.

Loneliness No one talks about this kind of grief. You feel like you're the only one who's ever felt this way. (You're not.)

All of Your Feelings Are Valid

You don't have to pick one emotion. You can feel:

• Sad that they're gone and relieved they can't hurt you anymore
• Angry at them and still miss them
• Grateful for the good moments and resentful of the bad ones

Grief doesn't have to be tidy. You don't have to simplify your feelings to make other people comfortable.

What People Get Wrong

"You should just focus on the good." No. You don't have to rewrite history to grieve. The hard parts were real too.

"At least you're free now." Sure, but that doesn't erase the loss. Relief and grief can coexist.

"They loved you in their own way." Maybe. But intent doesn't erase harm. You're allowed to grieve the relationship you needed and didn't get.

"You should forgive them now that they're gone." Forgiveness is not a requirement for healing. You don't owe anyone—living or dead—forgiveness.

Grieving What Never Was

Sometimes the grief isn't just about the person who died. It's about:

• The parent they never were
• The apology you'll never get
• The chance to make things right
• The hope that someday, things would be different

You can grieve the person and grieve the relationship that never got to exist.

How to Sit With the Mess

Let yourself feel it all. Don't force yourself to feel more or less than you do. Grief isn't linear. Complicated grief is even less so.

Talk to someone who gets it. Find a therapist, a support group, or a friend who won't judge you for having mixed feelings.

Journal. Write the things you can't say out loud. Get the messy, contradictory feelings out of your head and onto paper.

Don't perform grief for others. You don't have to cry at the funeral if you don't feel like crying. You don't have to pretend to be devastated if you're not.

What If You Feel Nothing?

Numbness is also a valid response. If you don't feel sad, that doesn't make you a bad person. Sometimes the brain protects you by shutting down feelings that are too big to process.

Give it time. The feelings might come later. Or they might not. Either way, you're okay.

When Grief Brings Up Old Pain

Losing someone from a complicated relationship can reopen old wounds. You might find yourself processing:

• Childhood trauma
• Years of emotional pain
• Unresolved anger
• Deep-seated grief you've been carrying for a long time

This is normal. Grief has a way of bringing everything to the surface.

If it feels overwhelming, reach out for support. You don't have to do this alone.

You Don't Owe Them Anything

You don't owe them:

• Forgiveness
• A eulogy that paints them as a saint
• Pretending the hard parts didn't happen
• Carrying their legacy forward
• Your continued pain

You get to grieve on your own terms.

Healing Doesn't Mean Forgetting

You can heal from this loss without erasing the truth of what the relationship was. Healing means:

• Making peace with the fact that it's over
• Finding ways to hold the grief without it consuming you
• Allowing yourself to move forward
• Honoring your truth, whatever that looks like

You're Not Alone

Grief after complicated relationships is more common than you think. You're not broken for feeling this way. You're human.

And you deserve space to grieve in all the messy, contradictory ways that grief shows up.

---

This resource is educational and not a substitute for professional mental health support. If grief is overwhelming, please consider reaching out to a therapist who specializes in grief and loss.