Supporting a Child Who Lost a Parent

When a child loses a parent, the adults around them often don't know what to say or do. You might feel overwhelmed by your own grief while trying to support theirs.

There's no perfect way to do this. But there are some things that help.

Understanding How Children Grieve

Children grieve differently than adults:

By Age

Young children (0-5)

• May not understand permanence of death
• Grief comes in short bursts ("puddle jumping")
• Might ask the same questions repeatedly
• May seem unaffected one moment, devastated the next

School-age (6-12)

• Beginning to understand death is permanent
• May feel responsible or guilty
• Might hide feelings to protect adults
• Can have physical symptoms (stomachaches, headaches)
• May act out behaviorally

Teenagers (13-18)

• Understand death but struggle with meaning
• May pull away from family
• Can appear angry or indifferent
• Might engage in risky behavior
• Need peer connection while also needing family

General Patterns

Children often:

• Grieve in waves, not all at once
• Return to play or normal activities quickly
• Ask the same questions repeatedly
• Show grief through behavior more than words
• Process loss over years as they mature

This doesn't mean they don't care. It means they're protecting themselves while learning to carry something impossibly heavy.

What to Say (and Not Say)

Truth Over Euphemisms

Use clear, honest language:

Say:

• "Dad died. His body stopped working and he can't come back."
• "Mom was very sick and her body couldn't get better."

Don't say:

• "We lost them" (they might think you can find them)
• "They went to sleep" (can create fear of sleep)
• "God needed them in heaven" (can make child angry at God)
• "They're on a trip" (they'll wait for them to return)

It's Okay to Not Know

Say:

• "I don't know why this happened"
• "It's okay to feel sad, angry, or confused"
• "I'm sad too. We can be sad together"
• "There's nothing you could have done to change this"

Use Their Parent's Name

Don't avoid talking about the person who died.

• Share memories
• Say "Your mom loved watching you play soccer"
• Display photos
• Keep their memory alive

Immediate Support

Right After the Loss

Be honest

• Tell them as soon as possible
• Use simple, clear language
• Answer questions honestly
• It's okay to say "I don't know"

Provide stability

• Maintain routines as much as possible
• Let them know who will care for them
• Reassure them about basic needs (food, home, school)
• Keep familiar people around

Allow all feelings

• They might cry, scream, go silent, or seem fine
• All reactions are okay
• Don't force them to talk or feel a certain way
• Let them lead

In the Following Days and Weeks

Include them in rituals (if they want)

• Ask if they want to attend the funeral/memorial
• Explain what will happen beforehand
• Let them choose their level of participation
• Assign a trusted adult to stay with them

Maintain connection to the parent who died

• Keep photos visible
• Let them keep belongings
• Talk about memories
• Honor their parent's presence in their life

Long-Term Support

Keep Communication Open

Check in regularly

• "How are you feeling about Dad today?"
• "I was thinking about Mom. Want to talk?"
• "It's okay if you don't want to talk right now"

Answer questions as they come up Children process grief over years. They'll have new questions as they mature:

• Young child: "Where is Mommy?"
• School-age: "Why did Daddy die?"
• Teen: "Why does everyone else have both parents?"

Answer honestly and age-appropriately each time.

Watch for Changes

Behavioral signs they need support:

• Regression (bedwetting, baby talk)
• Acting out (aggression, defiance)
• Withdrawal from friends or activities
• Changes in eating or sleeping
• School problems
• Physical complaints (stomachaches, headaches)
• Risk-taking behavior (in teens)

These don't mean they're broken. They mean they need support.

Maintain Structure and Normalcy

Children need:

• Consistent routines
• Predictable schedules
• Normal expectations (homework, chores)
• Permission to have fun and be kids
• Time with friends

Normalcy isn't about forgetting. It's about creating safety.

Special Challenges

Holidays and Anniversaries

First year "firsts" are especially hard:

• Birthdays
• Parent's death anniversary
• Holidays
• Mother's/Father's Day

Help them prepare:

• Talk about what's coming
• Ask how they want to honor their parent
• Create new traditions that include the parent's memory
• Expect harder days and don't be surprised

Milestones Without Them

Graduations, weddings, births—grief resurfaces during milestones:

• Acknowledge the absence
• Include the parent's memory (empty chair, photo, mention)
• Let them feel both joy and sadness
• They can be happy and miss their parent at the same time

When the Other Parent Is Also Grieving

You're probably drowning in your own grief while trying to support your child. This is impossibly hard.

You can't do this alone:

• Accept help from family, friends, community
• Consider grief counseling for yourself
• Be honest: "I'm sad too, and sometimes I need to cry"
• Model healthy grieving (it's okay for them to see you sad)
• Get support so you can support them

When to Seek Professional Help

Consider counseling if:

• Grief interferes with daily life for extended periods
• They express wanting to die or join the deceased parent
• Behavior becomes destructive or dangerous
• They seem stuck or unable to move forward
• School performance severely declines
• You're worried and don't know what else to do

Early support helps. Grief therapy for children can prevent long-term struggles.

What Children Need to Hear

Repeatedly

• "This is not your fault"
• "It's okay to feel however you feel"
• "I'm here for you, even when this is hard"
• "We will remember them together"
• "You are safe and taken care of"
• "It's okay to be happy/have fun/laugh"
• "You can always talk to me about them"

Permission to Live

One of the hardest parts for grieving children is feeling guilty for being happy.

They need to know:

• Laughing doesn't mean they don't miss their parent
• Living their life honors their parent
• Their parent would want them to be happy
• Love doesn't die even when someone does

Taking Care of Yourself

You can't pour from an empty cup:

• Accept support for yourself
• See a grief counselor
• Join a support group
• Be honest about your struggle
• Model self-care

Taking care of yourself isn't selfish—it's how you stay strong enough to support them.

This is a Marathon, Not a Sprint

Supporting a grieving child isn't something you do and then finish. It's ongoing.

They'll revisit this loss at every developmental stage. What you're teaching them now is:

• They're not alone
• Feelings are okay
• Love continues even after death
• They can talk about their parent
• They will survive this

You're giving them the foundation to carry this grief for a lifetime—not as something that destroys them, but as something they learn to hold alongside joy.

You're Doing Your Best

If you're reading this, you care deeply about this child. That matters more than getting everything "right."

There is no perfect way to support a grieving child.

But showing up, staying present, and letting them know they're loved—that's enough.

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This resource is educational. Children experiencing significant, prolonged, or complicated grief should be connected with a child grief counselor or therapist.