Grief Isn't Linear

You've probably heard about the "stages of grief"—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. It sounds neat. Orderly. Like you move through them one by one until you're "done."

But that's not how grief actually works.

How Grief Really Shows Up

Grief is messy. It's not a straight line from pain to peace. It's more like:

• Waves - Coming and going, sometimes without warning
• Spirals - Circling back to feelings you thought you'd moved past
• Layers - Uncovering new dimensions of loss as time goes on
• Seasons - Some days, weeks, or months are harder than others

You might feel okay one day and completely shattered the next. That doesn't mean you're going backward. That's just how grief works.

The Myth of "Moving On"

People often talk about "moving on" from grief, like it's something you're supposed to leave behind.

But grief doesn't work that way. You don't "get over" losing someone you love.

What actually happens:

• The grief doesn't go away, but it changes shape
• The waves get less frequent (usually)
• You learn to carry it alongside joy
• You build a life that includes both loss and meaning

You don't move on. You move forward—with the grief, not past it.

What Non-Linear Grief Looks Like

Good Days and Bad Days

You might:

• Feel fine for weeks, then suddenly fall apart
• Laugh at something and then feel guilty
• Have a terrible morning but feel okay by evening
• Think you're "done crying" only to cry again months later

All of this is normal.

Triggers You Don't Expect

Grief can hit when:

• You hear a song
• Someone mentions their name
• You see their favorite food at the store
• A holiday or anniversary comes up
• You experience something they would have loved
• Nothing in particular happens—it just hits

You can't predict what will trigger grief. And you don't have to.

Feeling Multiple Things at Once

You can:

• Be sad about the loss while grateful for the time you had
• Feel relieved (if they were suffering) and also heartbroken
• Laugh at a memory and cry about missing them
• Be angry at them and love them deeply
• Move forward with life and still grieve

Grief isn't one feeling. It's all of them, sometimes all at once.

The "Stages" Don't Work That Way

The famous five stages (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) were originally described for people facing their own death, not for people grieving someone else.

They're not:

• Sequential (you don't do them in order)
• Mandatory (you might not experience all of them)
• Time-bound (there's no "should be done by now")
• Neat boxes (you can feel multiple "stages" at once)

They're more like states you might visit at different times, in different orders, again and again.

What Helps

Give Yourself Permission

• To feel what you feel - There's no "right way" to grieve
• To have good days - Joy doesn't mean you're betraying their memory
• To struggle on random Tuesdays - You don't need a reason
• To not be "over it" - There's no timeline

Name What's Happening

When grief hits unexpectedly:

• "This is a grief wave"
• "I'm having a hard grief day"
• "This song triggered a memory"

Naming it helps you remember: this feeling will pass, and it doesn't mean you're broken.

Ride the Wave

When grief comes:

• Don't fight it
• Let yourself feel it
• Cry if you need to
• Reach out if that helps
• Rest when it passes

Fighting grief makes it stick around longer. Letting it move through you helps it pass.

Build a Life Around It

Grief becomes part of who you are. Over time, you learn to:

• Hold space for grief and joy
• Remember them without falling apart every time
• Talk about them naturally
• Honor them while moving forward

This isn't betrayal. It's integration.

Common Patterns (But Still Not Linear)

Year One

Often the hardest. Every "first" without them:

• First birthday
• First holidays
• First anniversary of their death
• First spring, summer, fall, winter

Years 2-5

Grief might feel less constant but can surprise you with intensity. You're learning who you are in this new reality.

Beyond

Grief doesn't end, but it often becomes gentler. It's less like drowning and more like missing someone you love. The pain is still real, but it doesn't consume you.

But everyone's timeline is different. Don't compare your grief to anyone else's.

When Grief Feels Stuck

Sometimes grief doesn't move at all. You might feel:

• Numb or disconnected for a long time
• Stuck in anger or denial
• Unable to function months or years later
• Like the pain is as sharp as day one

This might be complicated grief or prolonged grief disorder. If this resonates, please consider:

• Talking to a grief counselor or therapist
• Joining a grief support group
• Reaching out to your doctor

Getting support isn't giving up on grief—it's allowing yourself to heal.

What Others Can Do

If You're Supporting Someone Grieving

Do:

• Show up
• Listen without trying to fix
• Say their loved one's name
• Check in after the initial rush of support fades
• Accept that they'll have hard days randomly

Don't:

• Tell them how to grieve
• Put a timeline on their grief
• Compare their loss to others
• Say "they're in a better place" or "everything happens for a reason"
• Expect them to "be over it" by now

You're Not Doing It Wrong

If your grief looks messy, unpredictable, or nothing like what you expected—you're not doing it wrong.

Grief is as unique as the relationship you lost.

There's no right way to grieve. There's only your way.

Be gentle with yourself. Give yourself time. Let it be what it is.

You're not broken. You're grieving. And that's exactly as hard as it feels.

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This resource is educational and not a replacement for professional grief counseling or therapy. If you're struggling significantly, please reach out for support.